On Behavioural Modernity

For a while now I have been looking into the concept of Behavioural Modernity. This falls into two possible theoretical models. The great Leap Forward: which posits a sudden change in the human brain, or the change over a period of time.

50,000 years ago, our ancestors made this change from having minds on a par with other animals, to minds that developed language and a capacity for symbology. My own deductions favour the slow development. This note explores that conclusion.

First a note on Evolution. A common misconception held by opponents of the understanding of evolution is that “Humans descended from Apes” at no point did Darwin say this, what he said is that several historic strains of human and ape were descended from a common ancestor.

I began to explore this concept after observing my dogs and pondering on the nature of thought. When we think, we think in terms of language. I certainly cannot think in abstract without the use of language or image, and it is with the use of language that I truly comprehend and internally communicate. I assume this to be common and shared by members of the human race who have grown out of babyhood and are not brain damaged.

It is apparent tome, however, that the dogs communicate with each other – mainly non-verbally- and with us. My observations show that they prefer non-verbal communication, mainly indicated by their tails, ears and mouths, but that they resort to making a variety of noises when non-verbal indicators fail to put their message across. They have particular barks to ask to play, to scold me for going out without them and putting the pack in danger, and a bark that says “pay attention” and is followed by having us watch where they go to indicate what they want to do (I need to go out, I want to cool down in the bathroom, it is time we all went to bed) . But is this language in a pure sense? I don’t believe so, but it indicates a prelanguage state that can reveal something of early humanity.

I have sat facing my dogs, holding my hands against my head as if they were pointed ears. With every movement of my hands to indicate ears forward, back, down etc, the dogs show an emotional reaction. Too many conflicting messages in a short space of time sees them tip their heads to one side, then the other – indicating their confusion. Prelanguage gestures indicate emotional states, not abstract ideas or symbols.

Humans (and Apes), are blessed with the opposable thumb, a biological key to the use of tools. I believe that before we developed tools we were in that same prelanguage state. Things were fairly simple when the tools were a handy rock, stick or bone, but as the tools our ancestors used became more complex, and the need developed to teach the next generation how to craft them, emotional indicators became insufficient as a means to communicate. We therefore developed verbalisation in an increasingly complex pattern to pass on these abstract ideas.

we are told that our brains developed a facility for creating and interpreting symbolic ideas within the prefrontal lobe in order to adequately develop this facility. we are further told that Humans are the only species to have developed this capacity. I disagree.

My dogs have adapted to the rudiments of interpreting symbology. They recognise certain words – their names, words like “Doggies” “puppies”, “out” “walk”etc as a symbol of an abstract idea. They cannot create symbols, but are able to learn and interpret them.

Dogs however, are not a self-aware species, unlike Elephants, Apes, monkeys and some other mammals, which have also demonstrated a capacity to understand symbology. The test for self awareness is simply this. In humans, a blob of colour is applied to the forehead and then a mirror produced. Children (usually under three) are not self aware, and will touch the blob they see in the mirror. A self aware child (usually over two years of age) will see the reflection and touch their own forehead. Dogs are not self aware, and always see their reflection as another dog. Some Elephants have been able, when learning to paint, to compose a picture of their choice (usually from nature).

Undoubtedly, The human has the most developed capacity to create and interpret symbols. No doubt we have had the most practice. But I conclude that our current complexity of thought, language and communication developed slowly over a very long period of time, rather than in a single quick leap forward, and that the capacity exists in other animals to develop along their own lines given a long enough development period.

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Relationships: Prepared for Committment

Serious about your relationship?  Ready to commit to it?

Early preparation.

Generally, parents are our role models for our own choices and behaviours in future relationships.  Where they are functional,  we can learn to be functional,  where they have dysfunction,  we learn dysfunction.  Ideally their example teaches us respect for ourselves,  good self esteem,  and a flexible and adaptive means of communicating and negotiating with others.  Even with the best will in the world,  however,  if positive aspects are absent from the role relationship,  they will not be instilled as values.

How then do I balance myself?  How do I learn the values to help me cope with my future relationships?  In working with clients my basic map for them consists of 1) Who and where they are.  2) Where do they want to be?  and 3) what prevents them from being there.  Here are the required factors needed within the objective – relationship.  By asking these of your partner and providing them equally,  the relationship can find a solid foundation.

I depend on you to tell me whenever you feel mad – sad – glad – scared

I depend on you to treat me with dignity

I depend on you to protect yourself from unnecessary harm

I depend on you to be honest with me in significant matters

I depend on you to keep your word – make agreements and keep them

I depend on you to cherish me – cherish yourself – cherish us together

I depend on you to respect yourself – love yourself – care about yourself

I depend on you to tell me your history so I can know you more fully

I depend on you to listen to me when I talk about myself

I depend on you to not take things personally when I talk about myself

I depend on you to be supportive of me when I am hurt – confused – lonely – tired – stressed

I depend on you to respect that we are different,  and that it is okay that we are different.

I depend on you to be patient with me when I don’t fully understand

I depend on you to support my efforts in personal growth and knowledge

I depend on you to experience difference as okay – not as right or wrong

I depend on you to ask when you do not know, do not take me for granted

I depend on you to take care of yourself,  not rely on me to protect you

I depend on you to play (physically,  emotionally,  intellectually,  socially,  spiritually)

I depend on you to learn (be curious,  grow,   challenge, stretch,  do new things)

I depend on you to reach out to me on purpose – find out how I am – talk to me

I depend on you to be open about yourself – do me no harm

I depend on you to grow with me in our lives together, and for our future also

We are responsible first for our own wellbeing,  and secondly for each others.  We are not respecting a partner who we take first responsibility for – that results in our protecting them by failing to inform.  Give your partner every right you desire for yourself – if you would feel affronted by the loss of a right,  so will they.  Love isn’t all feeling.  It often involves doing the right thing for a partner despite periods where feelings may be lacking.  If you feel this, admit it to yourself,  revisit your contracts and dependencies together.

Love is enhanced by the fallow periods,  your constancy and dilligence are rewarded by adhering to these principles.

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Relationships: The Contract

Relationships are often described by their participants in magical language.  We cite fate as being responsible and use phrases such as “it was meant to be”,  “We are so in tune” etc.  As pleasant and wonderful and real these feelings are,  they can potentially sabotage the reality of the relationship,  preventing it from maturing and creating unsettling,  unpleasant and disillusioning characteristics.  Contracting,  while appearing to be cold and in denial of  some of the magical illusions of an idealised natural relationship,  inevitably prevent a wealth of disillusion,  and allow a closer bond.   Even when researching resource material,  I find that contracting invites negativity through its language – whether by creating a list of “no….”.  “don’t….”  or “Thou shalt not….” negativity,  and by recourse to parental terminology such as “must” “mustn’t” and “never” as prefixes to conditions.  Ultimately the best results will be seen in a free will atmosphere of choice by contracting parties,  so where possible I have avoided negativity and parental pressure in composing and drawing information from various source material.  Hopefully,  this will not disturb the phrasing by making it unwieldy.

Rules for relationships Health and Safety

This is dependant on refusal to employ violence,  threats of violence or any out of control behaviour.  Any examples of these can destroy feelings of health and safety,  perhaps permanently.

Dignity.

By respecting your partner’s boundaries of person,  property,  papers,  time and space,  and by staying calm in order to avoid behaviours such as yelling,  screaming,  blaming,  shaming or name calling,  we keep our own dignity and that of our partner.

Agreements.

Only make agreements you can keep.  If you are unable to keep an agreement,  renegotiate it in a responsible manner.  Breaks can occur,  though if they recur take account that there may be a hidden,  even unconscious purpose to them that require investigation.  Agree to stay in Adult Ego state (see Blog on ego states last month).  Co-operative adult living excludes concepts of reward and punishment,  staying clearly in terms of consequences of actions.  Focus on helping,  support and sharing in negotiation.   Share feelings regularly,  especially mad,  sad,  glad,  scared feelings as “I feel” statements.  If you want something,  do ask for it rather than feel sore that your partner didn’t read your mind.  If you offer something that is not accepted,  take the refusal without bad feelings.  Be clear about things that are or are not personal.  Whining and sulking are not found in Adult ego state.  Stay in adult and offer please and thank you to keep the strokes appropriate.

Relationships require feeding and appreciation to grow.  Ritual mutual respect verbalised is good care and a good habit to keep,  Regular crises indicates a dysfunctional life style,  calmly discuss change.  Discuss difficulties while they are still small to prevent their growth.  Maintain and confirm a relationship of equals,  if you are unequal,  one of you may be viewed as an authority figure by the other,  which may prompt rebellious acts.   Make parenting agreements together which are fair,  firm,  functional,  flexible and also fun.   Trust grows from consistency,  reliability and productive behaviour and communication.

Five Trust Contracts

Non-Collapsing Contract.  The couple agree to maintain personal standards without collapse.  Therefore behaviours such as ultimatums,  walking out,  breaking contracts,  switching off integrity,  discipline or hygiene,  or any threats of these behaviours are excluded behaviours.  When this is broken the implied statement is: I’m free to make whatever decision I want.

Protection Contract.  The couple agree to anticipate stressful situations by giving each other preventative support and information and thereby save each other needless pain and anxiety.  By being considerate,  knowing the partner’s weaknesses and showing restraint the couple save each other the pain of jealousy,  embarrassment,  needless anger and hurt,  and uncertainty.  When this is broken the implied statement is: I don’t care how you feel.

Openness Contract.  The couple agrees to talk through issues,  preferably on the same day, and with calmness.  They exclude condescension,  abruptness,  secrecy,  and blocks to intimacy,  while observing three principles of openness.  Bring it up, Talk it out, wrap it up.  When this is broken the implied statement is: I don’t have to tell you anything.

The Pleasuring Contract.  The couple agrees to pleasure each other.  In sex by asking for and doing as the other asks,  without gameplay that delays or avoids the other player’s requirements.  In events by going to new places on the request of the other.  In personality by revealing surprising and refreshing sides of the personality to the other which will challenge the routine predictability of the relationship.  When this is broken the implied statement is: we can both have fun in our own way.

The Flexibility Contract.  The couple agrees to spontaneously give in during an argument regardless of believing they are in the right,  without an attitude of giving in just to keep the peace.  When this is broken in flexibility the statement is:  I will not change my position for anyone.  When broken in actuality the statement is:  It looks like we see things differently

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Interlude: Robert Anton wilson on quantum physics

The late robert Anton Wilson is one of my heroes in life.

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Relationships: Unresolved Dependency Issues and Boundaries

Successful relationships are the realm of people who have resolved their dependency issues.  Each unbalanced dependency we fall prey to increases the risk of failing to form or maintain healthy relationships.  Dependency issues are listed here.

1. We assume responsibility for others’ feelings/behaviours

2. We feel overly responsible for others’ feelings/behaviours

3. We have difficulty in identifying feelings – am I… mad… sad… glad… scared?

4. We have difficulty in expressing feelings – am I….  mad… sad… glad… scared?

5. We tend to worry and/or fear how others may respond to our feelings

6. We have difficulty in feeling and/or maintaining relationships

7. We are afraid of being hurt or rejected by others

8. We are perfectionist and place too many expectations on ourselves and others

9. We have difficulty making decisions

10. We tend to minimize,  alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.

11. Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how we respond and react.

12. Our fear of others’ feelings (mostly anger) determines what we say and do

13. We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant others.

14. We value others’ opinions more than our own.

15. Our self esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences.

16. We have major difficulty acknowledging good things about ourselves (Thank you, nice to hear)

17. Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are feeling and behaving.

18. We tend to judge everything we do,  think,  or say – harshly – by someone else’s standards.

19. Nothing is done,  said,  or thought that is “good enough“.

20. We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both okay and normal.

21. We don’t know that its okay to discuss problems outside the family,  that they are not “secrets”.

22. We don’t know that feelings just are – it is better to share them than to minimise/deny/justify them.

23. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs before our own.

24. We are steadfastly loyal – even when the loyalty is unjustified – and personally harmful.

25. We have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others (control struggle).

When we were children,  our boundaries were imposed on us,  rather than be a matter of choice.  Parental examples and impositions create a model which we take with us into .adult life.  We may find these boundaries comfortable or uncomfortable,  they may vary according to where we were brought up,  whether or not we had siblings etc.  but we can change them.

First,  we should examine the five categories of boundary.

Time.  How much of your time is yours?  Who owns other areas of your time?  Do you resent the time they demand?  Do you manipulate that time?  How?  What is the cost of that manipulation to you?  Do you resent others manipulating your time?  What does that cost you?  What were your parents’ rules about time?  Did they kill it,  waste it,  use it etc?

Space.  How was space used when you were a child?  Did you have your own room or share?  How close to you can people be before you feel uncomfortable?  Does your space regularly get invaded?

Person.  How were you trained in areas of health & Safety?  Dignity?  Agreements? What were your parents’ rules in these areas?  Was your person respected or taken for granted?

Property.  Did you have your  own stuff,  or was everything shared?  Is your money your own?  What did you learn from your parents about property?

Papers.  Was your wallet and room your own?  Could you have a private diary?  Could you write down secrets and know that that was respected?  What were your parents’ rules about homework and paperwork?  We cannot change or control our past,  but we can make changes today.  If we don’t understand childhood boundaries,  then we walk into or create circumstances we cannot control or understand.  By understanding the conditions we grew up by,  we can adapt and make life safer and more suitable for our lives from this point on.

You define your reality by all that you know,  all that you believe,  and what you do about it.

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Rackets and Time Structure

Rackets

Rackets are the term we use for substituted feelings – we hide the true feeling while feeling the coded or permitted feeling,  and we do this when we feel our true feelings are invalid or not permitted.  We develop racket feelings due to childhood scripts and carry them into adult behaviour.  The racket emotions are familiar because we learned them during childhood in order to adapt to circumstances that demanded we not feel the genuine feeling,  but instead allow pressure from others to install a more acceptable set of feelings.  An example of this is the child who is attacked by other children and who feels much fear of the situation,  however the parent rejects the child’s fear and pain along with all genuine feelings in favour of permitted responses and feelings in which the child now feels anger instead of fear.  The approved of feelings becoming the racket,  feelings which now feel justified.

“Examples of racket and racket feelings: “Why do I meet good guys who turn out to be so hurtful”,  or “He always takes advantage of my goodwill”.  The racket is then a set of behaviours and chosen strategies learned and practised in childhood which in fact help to cause these feelings to be experienced.  Typically this happens despite their own surface protestations and hurt feelings,  out of awareness and in a way that is perceived as someone else’s fault.  One covert pay-off for this racket and its feelings,  might be to gain in a guilt free way,  continued evidence and reinforcement for a childhood script belief that “People will always let you down”.”

In effect,  a person creates a false persona in order to manipulate circumstances and respond to them in the currency of the false persona,  rather than allow their genuine experience of circumstances which risk the real, and now illegitimate feelings,  to be exercised.

Structuring Time

When working with people I will suggest strategies to help clients achieve their goals.  Not every strategy suits everyone,  I accept this and am happy for the challenge to find other means.  The one thing I do not accept is the plea:  “I don’t have time”.  Nobody has time,  time is in short supply,  however,  each and every one of us will make enough time for the things that matter to us.  So I do not accept “I will try”,  we negotiate on “I’m not sure”,  and I’m absolutely clear that if we have not got time,  then we haven’t made time.  If we haven’t made time,  it doesn’t seem so important to us.  Not everyone is good with time however,  so I offer this:

There are six ways of structuring time by giving and receiving strokes:
Withdrawal
Ritual
Pastimes
Activity
Games
Intimacy
This is sorted in accordance to stroke strength,  Intimacy and Games allow for the most intensive strokes,  in general:

Withdrawal – Time alone means no strokes are being exchanged

Rituals. – A ritual is a series of transactions that are reciprocal,  stereotyped and based on social programming.  Rituals usually comprise a series of strokes exchanged between two parties.  For instance,  two people may have a daily two stroke ritual,  where, the first time they meet each day,  each one greets the other with a “Hi”.  Others may have a four stroke ritual,  such as:
A: Hi!
B: Hi!  How do you do?
A: Getting along.  What about you?
B: Fine.  See you around.
The next time they meet in the day, they may not exchange any strokes at all,  or may just acknowledge each other’s presence with a curt nod.
Some phenomena associated with daily rituals:
If a person exchanges fewer strokes than expected,  the other person may feel that he is either preoccupied  or acting high and mighty.
If a person exchanges more strokes than expected,  the other person might wonder whether he is trying to butter him up or get on good terms for some vested interests.
If two people do not meet for a long time,  a backlog of strokes gets built up,  so that the next time they meet,  they may exchange a large number of strokes to catch up.

Pastimes. – A pastime is a series of transactions that is complementary (reciprocal),  semi-ritualistic,  and is mainly intended as a time-structuring activity.  Pastimes have no covert purpose and can usually be carried out only between people on the same wavelength.  They are usually shallow and harmless.  Pastimes are a type of smalltalk.  Individuals often partake in similar pastimes throughout their entire life,  as pastimes are generally very much linked to one’s life script and the games that one often plays.  Some pastimes can even be understood as a reward for playing a certain game.  For example,  Eric Berne in Games People Play discusses how those who play the “alcoholic” game (which Berne differentiated from alcoholism and alcoholics)  often enjoy the “Morning After” pastime in which participants share their most amusing or harrowing hangover stories.

Activities (work).  – Activities in this context mean the individuals work together for a common goal.  This may be work, sports or something similar.  In contrast to Pastimes,  there is a meaningful purpose guiding the interactions,  while Pastimes are just about exchanging strokes.  Strokes can then be given in the context of the cooperation.  Thus the strokes are generally not personal,  but related to the activity.

Games. – We have looked at some games,  we will be looking at more another time.

Intimacy. – Intimacy as a way of structuring time allows one to exchange the strongest strokes without playing a Game.  Intimacy differs from Games as there is no covert purpose,  and differs from Activities as there is no other process going on which defines a context of cooperation.  Strokes are personal,  relating to the other person,  and often unconditional.

The Philosophy of transactional analysis.

People are OK;  thus each person has validity,  importance,  equality of respect.
Everyone (with only few exceptions) has full adult capability to think.
People decide their story and destiny,  and this is a decision that can be changed.
Freedom from historical maladaptations embedded in the childhood script is required in order to become free of inappropriate,  inauthentic and displaced emotion which are not a fair and honest reflection of here-and-now life (such as echoes of childhood suffering,  pity-me and other mind games,  compulsive behaviour,  and repetitive dysfunctional life patterns).
The aims of change under TA are autonomy (freedom from childhood script),  spontaneity,  intimacy,  problem solving as opposed to avoidance or passivity,  cure as an ideal rather than merely ‘making progress’,  learning new choices. “

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Scripts, injunctions and Drivers

Life (or Childhood) Scripts are a life plan, directed to a reward.
Scripts are decisional and responsive; i.e.,  decided upon in childhood in response to perceptions of the world and as a means of living with and making sense of the world.  Scripts are not just thrust upon a person by external forces.  Scripts are reinforced by parents (or other influential figures and experiences).  Scripts are for the most part outside awareness.
Scripts are how we navigate and what we look for, the rest of reality is redefined, or distorted to match our filters.
Each culture,  country and people in the world has a Mythos,  that is,  a legend explaining its origins,  core beliefs and purpose.  According to TA,  it is the same with individual people.  A person begins writing his/her own life story (script) at a young age, as he or she tries to make sense of the world and his or her place within it.  Although it is revised throughout life,  the core story is selected and decided upon typically by the age of seven.  As adults it passes out of awareness.  A life script might be “to be hurt many times, and suffer and make others feel bad when I die”,  and could result in a person indeed setting himself up for this,  by adopting behaviours in childhood that produce exactly this effect.  Though Eric Berne identified several dozen common scripts,  there are a practically infinite number of them.  Though often largely destructive,  scripts could as easily be mostly positive or beneficial.

In addition to the 5 drivers we looked at recently,  there are also the twelve Injunctions that we embed into our Scripts – as children and through to adulthood.  The twelve injunctions are extremely powerful and create conditions of “I can’t” or “I mustn’t”:

Don’t Be (Don’t Exist)

Don’t Be Who you Are

Don’t Be a Child

Don’t Grow Up

Don’t Succeed

Don’t Do Anything

Don’t Be Important

Don’t Belong

Don’t Be Close

Don’t Be Well (Don’t be Sane)

Don’t Think

Don’t feel

Additionally, there is the episcript:
“You should (or You deserve to) have this happen in your life, so it doesn’t have to happen to me.” (Magical thinking on the part of the parent or parents.)

Against this,  the 5 Drivers are Parental (as in the Parental ego state)  pressure in the things we must do.

Please Me (Please Someone)!

Be perfect!

Be Strong!

Try Hard!

Hurry Up!

When we take the influence of a strong driver with a strong injunction,  we see the resultant behaviours.  A Child who hears the message of the Driver to “Be Strong” alongside of the injunction “Don’t Be a Child” is possibly out of touch with relaxation,  possibly workaholic and humourless,  potentially a bully.  While the Driver “Please me” combined with the injuction “Don’t Exist” can create suicidal depressed people lacking hope and purpose.  If we can identify our strongest Driver and cross in with our strongest injunction,  we can see that which burdens us in life,  as well as the key to unlocking the condition and becoming free of the conditioning.  Broadly,  unaddressed scripts can fall into Tragic,  Heroic or Banal (or Non-Winner) varieties, depending on their rules.

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Hunger, Motivation and Fear

A few weeks ago,  in the piece “Relationship Tension”,  I touched on the idea of strokes.  Strokes are often what we need or feel we are owed,  and relate greatly to the Six Hungers.  The Hungers are divided into “How we satisfy our Hungers/What I want”, and “What are we Hungry for?/What I need”.  The hungers are:

Contact Hunger.  Do I crave physical contact?  Reassurance,  comfort,  affection.  Will I settle for pain to get contact?

Recognition Hunger.  Acknowledgement and reassurance in deeds and words.  What will we do to be noticed?

Incident Hunger.  Keeping busy,  feeling useful and relevant,  having a point in the now.  What do we do when we feel stressed from boredom and inaction.

Sex Hunger.  To penetrate or be penetrated,  satisfying other hungers within it.

Stimulus Hunger.  Needing to use the senses,  to see,  hear,   feel,  taste and smell familiar and unfamiliar.

Structure Status.  Routine behaviour,  planned activity,  the discomfort of unstructured silence can lead to Incident Hunger.

Some of the hungers are stronger in some individuals than others,  creating varying motivations for our behaviour.  These Motivations are uncomfortably more common as fears,  creating situations in which the fears,   and not we,  rule our lives.

I’d like us to look at what our fears may be,  how strong they are,  and how that influences our behaviour and decision making in life.  Let us suppose that we score 0 for no fear,  and 10 for great fear,  on the fear scale below.

1.   Anger                    (    )

2.   Abandonment                (    )

3.   Approval, lack of                (    )

4.   Affection                    (    )

5.   Belonging                    (    )

6.   Control                    (    )

7.   Failure                    (    )

8.       By Mistakes at Home            (    )

9.       By Mistakes at Work            (    )

10.     To Make Others Happy        (    )

11       To do Enough                (    )

12.      To be Good enough            (    )

13.   To be Alone                (    )

14.   To be Together                (    )

15.   Being Poor                (    )

16.   Being Rich                (    )

17.   Going Crazy                (    )

18.   Being Over/Under Sexed            (    )

19.   Being Out of Control            (    )

20  .Power                    (    )

21.     Using Power                (    )

22.     Abusing power            (    )

23.     My Having Power            (    )

24.     Their Having Power            (    )

25.     Our Having Power            (    )

26.  Authority                    (    )

27.  Commitment                (    )

28.  Responsibility                (    )

29.     Parenting                (    )

30.     Child-rearing                (    )

31.     Financial-money            (    )

32.     Talking-Listening            (    )

33.     Intimacy                (    )

34.     Growing Up                (    )

35,   Sex                    (    )

36.     Talking about Sex            (    )

37.     Doing it – Right or Wrong        (    )

38.  Being Hurt                    (    )

39.   Embarrassment            (    )

40.   Humiliation                (    )

41    Ridicule                (    )

42.    Shaming                (    )

43.    Blaming                (    )
44.    Name-calling                (    )

45.    Being Yelled At            (    )

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Drama Triangle and 5 Drivers

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I want to briefly look at the drama triangle before coming back to it another day. The Drama triangle is a diagram depicting three interactions – The Persecutor, the Victim and the Rescuer. We each of us have all three within us at different times, though its very revealing to see life in terms of both your own attitudes and those around you – in reference to the triangle.

The Persecutor is often a person who feels that they have to take responsibility for others. The basis for persecution is usually anger, perhaps blended with other negative feelings such as envy, impatience etc. They often play the martyr to ensure their victims pay for their generous persecution, and use guilt, not to enable others, but to help paralyse them.

The Victim is often compliant in their status, behaving helplessly and fuelling the persecutor. They are easy to give up and hope for a quiet life by taking a back seat to responsibility. Their failure to make a stand provides power to the persecutor.

The Rescuer is often also the bully. An authority figure who often feels inadequate and leads by orders and threats They can be critical and quite unpleasant in manner.

As an exercise, look at a fairy tale in terms of these roles. Little Red Riding Hood is a good example. See how interdependent each character is on the others.

In many instances in life, just as you think you understand a person’s identification on the triangle, they may switch roles and confuse you. Most people have a favourite primary position and a secondary switch position.

Returning to our PAC ego states from last week,  The Parent ego state imposes on us 5 primary behaviours we call Drivers. We learn these as children, and feel their impact throughout life. Life is very unbalanced for us if one or more drivers is stronger than the others. The five Drivers are: Please Somebody. Try Hard. Be Strong. Hurry Up and Be Perfect. On the surface these may seem fine characteristics, but their actions prevent us from being OK. Effectively the parental message you feel strongest may be one of the following.

You are OK with me if you Please Me.
You are OK with me if you Try Hard
You are OK if you’ll Be Strong
You are Okay if you Hurry Up
You are Okay if you’ll Be Perfect

Each of these Drivers if over pronounced can create sometimes unbearable burdens on us. Out of proportion they can ruin rather than enhance lives. The person with Please Somebody may never be able to be themselves. The person with Try Hard may not value anything achievable with little effort, or miss the thought behind a simple gesture. The person with Be Strong may be out of touch with their own feelings. The person with Hurry Up may be too stressed to ever give their best. The person with Be Perfect may never find satisfaction in their efforts.

I have been searching for a Driver questionnaire that I have used with clients in the past and that was very helpful. I continue to search, though I did not want to further put off an opening piece on these drivers. If anyone is aware of such a questionnaire (I think originally written by Melanie Klein) will they please alert me of where I might find it online, or email it to me at groxford@gmail.com.

Tomorrow I want to examine the 6 hungers and view some of the interaction between drivers and hungers.

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Johari Windows

Johari Window

Johari Window

The Johari Window sounds exotically eastern,  until we hear that it is an illustration of our relationship to self and others originally designed by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham (literally, Joe & Harry’s Window).  The design is of a quartered square, with each quarter representing a different aspect of each of us.

The Arena represents areas of our lives we are aware of,  and that others are also aware of – the Apparent.  The Façade below it represents areas of our lives known to us,  but hidden from others.  We are effectively masked in this section.  The Blind spot is the opposite to the Façade – areas that are apparent to others, yet unknown to us.  Finally,  The Unknown are areas of our lives that neither we or anyone else knows.  I tend to think George Bush was attempting to reference this in one of his more incomprehensible speeches – demonstrating that he had failed to adequately grasp it and therefore made a complete pig’s ear of trying to explain it.

We can also view the Arena as the area of complete honesty in it contains information about ourselves that we freely display,  and are comfortable about others knowing about us.  There are no skeletons in the cupboard here,  nor information a person could be blackmailed about.  The larger this window is in terms of our totality,  the more balanced and confident we become.  Well rounded people have large arenas.  The Façade is our secretive self.  Here our confidence is small,  our shame lives here.  Why are we secretive enough to place areas of our lives here,  when here is our vulnerability?  Too large a Façade can indicate dishonesty and distrust and denotes a person less suited for relationships based upon trust.  Because of this we encounter a degree of immaturity here.  The Blind Spot is out unawareness.  We are subjectively blind to features that others can see.  The larger our blind spot,  the less effective is our independence,  rendering us at times both immature and very dependent on those who tend to protect us.  The Unknown is not unknowable.  We may suddenly surprise ourselves and others by demonstrations at various times of characteristics previously unseen,  potential that was previously undiscovered.  That we and others have not encountered it does not mean it is not there.

We can discover this by playing the Johari  and Nohari games.  To play the Johari game we have 55 positive adjectives,  and you need a partner,  preferably the person you know best,  and you know equally well (so you both get to see your own results).  The game is played by both of you choosing each adjective in turn,  and deciding for yourselves whether you consider  it belongs in the first player’s Arena or Unknown Quadrant.  If you both place the word in the same quadrant,  it stays there,  but if you differ,  it is played this way.  If it is your window and you placed it in Arena,  while your partner chose unknown,  then it belongs in Façade.  If you chose Unknown while your partner chose Arena then it belongs in Blind Spot.  The more words in a quadrant,  the larger the quadrant is etc.  Here are your 55 words:.
able
accepting
adaptable
bold
brave
calm
caring
cheerful
clever
complex
confident
dependable
dignified
energetic
extroverted
friendly
giving
happy
helpful
idealistic
independent
ingenious
intelligent
introverted
kind
knowledgeable
logical
loving
mature
modest
nervous
observant
organized
patient
powerful
proud
quiet
reflective
relaxed
religious
responsive
searching
self-assertive
self-conscious
sensible
sentimental
shy
silly
spontaneous
sympathetic
tense
trustworthy
warm
wise
witty

After, try playing Nohari Window, same rules, but these are negative adjectives. Of course, honesty while playing is necessary to get accurate results.

  • foolish
  • violent
  • insecure
  • hostile
  • needy
  • ignorant
  • blasé
  • embarrassed
  • insensitive
  • dispassionate
  • inattentive
  • intolerant
  • aloof
  • irresponsible
  • selfish
  • unimaginative
  • irrational
  • imperceptive
  • loud
  • self-satisfied
  • over dramatic
  • unreliable
  • inflexible
  • glum
  • vulgar
  • unhappy
  • inane
  • distant
  • chaotic
  • vacuous
  • passive
  • dull
  • timid
  • unhelpful
  • brash
  • childish
  • impatient
  • panicky
  • smug
  • predictable
  • foolish
  • cowardly
  • simple
  • withdrawn
  • cynical
  • boastful
  • weak
  • unethical
  • rash
  • callous
  • humorless

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